Maybe I Didn't Have A Virus After All.....

I went to the ER again on 12-21-10, after work, because I felt like I was dehydrated and like I was going to pass out...when I got there they said I wasn't dehydrated and the nurse said that I was hyperventilating...What? I didn't realize that I was and every time I would breath she would say, "see you are hyperventilating..." I had no idea! Chris' parents had picked me up to take me to urgent care and we ended up in the ER anyway...as I was in the room Chris' mom was keeping me company and they had given me this drug to stop the dizziness that I was feeling. Then I just broke down and started to cry and I talked with Chris' mom about how I have been so stressed out and how I hate going for help with money and how Chris works all the time now etc. I was so thankful that Chris' parents were there to be there for me! I stayed home the next day to rest and I couldn't rest...all I could think about was getting the kids beds clean because they had strep etc. I was SO worried about getting strep! Emily Bradshaw saw on my facebook status that I needed a ride to work and she called me and offered to take me to work on the 23rd! I was so scared to drive!! My eyes were still bugging me. It made me cry because it was so nice for someone to think of me and to help me out in my time of need! Sister Hurst, Relief Society President in our ward, called me and asked me what I was doing in the ER again...then she came out and said she thinks I am depressed! What? I don't get depressed! But then I got to talking with her and I realized that the night that everything hit (the vertigo...) was after a phone call I got from Chris saying he wasn't going to be home that night and I had planned on him being home with us for some good family time...and it all hit me! I had ended up at Melanie Nelson's that night because I told her I didn't feel like I could take care of my kids with the way I was feeling...how couldn't I see that before? The next day when I went to work 12-23-10 my co-worker, Joan, had told me they were all talking about me and how they were concerned because it isn't like me to miss this much work. Then she mentioned that they thought I was depressed! Everyone saw it BUT ME! Then I broke down and cried and I got a lot of hugs from my co-workers and they all were there for me. One co-worker said, "What? Birdeena finally realized she is human??" Joan told me that she had noticed my decline after I had Emmaline and that my stress level would go up with every bad news relating to her development. :o( Emmaline has had hearing tests and has failed and there is always the worry that she could get cancer or a tumor someday...then when I got the strep in July that really shot me out of the water! That was when I realized I was getting anxiety! I had had my 1st anxiety attack then and it feels like a heart attack! It was so scary! So this time when I got the vertigo and the sinus issue I was ending up in the ER because I was panicking! I freak out too easy! I hate that! At the end of the 23rd I actually felt better! My ears were no longer plugged and my sinuses felt better! I cried a lot and I think that was all I needed! My eyes are still bugging me and they feel tired all the time...so I am going to see a nurse practitioner that talks to women about postpartum and all sorts of depressions. Also I had stopped breastfeeding because I noticed the amoxicillian was causing diaper rash on Emmaline and I think that was what broke me the most. Christmas wasn't a joy for me and that made me sad...it was SO nice having Chris home though! He didn't have to work on that weekend! Also on the 23rd I had a sleep study. It was nice to be able to sleep all night without waking up for a little baby! It was like a little mini vacation for me haha! The girl hooked me up to all these wires and put icky goo in my hair. And I got to watch House Hunters and then I went to bed about 11 PM and they woke me up at 6:00 AM and I was so sad it was over! The girl told me that they got what they needed, but they wouldn't have the information for me for about 2 weeks...she said there is over 1000 hours of recorded data that someone has to go through before they can give me results. So we shall see :o). Last night Hannah Hamilton and her daughter, Tyler, came over and they went for a walk with the kids & I (I was feeling so good yesterday!) and she brought me some Essential oils that help your well being. She did some muscle test thing and came across which oils would work best for me at this time. Frankincense and Beloved. Frankincense helps with anxiety and depression and Beloved is for depression. I felt like my old self again last night! Today I am pretty tired, but I did go to bed late talking to Chris. I think things are looking up again :o). I am still going to meet with the nurse tomorrow just to talk about my options. I still get the crying jags. And tonight I breastfed Emmaline a little bit just to see and she was actually getting milk so I am not sure if I am done yet or not :o)! I noticed I could still get milk out. So I think I am going to try and keep breastfeeding. I may have to do a bottle 1st and then top her off. Anyway this post is a lot, but I want to get it down because I want my kids to know of what I have gone through and in case they ever have issues maybe they can recognize it earlier because I have experienced it? If not whatever it might help someone :o)!